Has Your Life Been Hijacked By A Narcissist?
are you wondering if you have a narcissist in your life?
If so, you are likely to have your share of questions about how to identify, manage, escape from, and avoid future entanglements with narcissistic people. As a psychotherapist from New York City, I work with couples and individuals who present with many symptoms of narcissistic abuse or describe patterns of emotional abuse in their primary relationships. It’s not just men, women can also have narcissistic traits or NPD. Oftentimes, a member of a couple will complain that their partner is a narcissist when actually, they also have these traits. It can make the work of therapy challenging. For anyone involved with a narcissist, it's heartbreaking to realize that years, and even decades, have been spent under the rule of a tyrannical parent or partner. Parents, bosses, and partners with narcissistic personality disorder or strong traits have the potential to powerfully and negatively impact your physical and emotional health and wellbeing.
You may be traumatized, numb, and shut down from years of experiences with family members. You may also find yourself repeating this pattern in your current relationships by seeking out narcissistic partners. And so the neurotic dance of repetition compulsion begins. You're now wondering why you are questioning if you are the "crazy and confused" one in your relationship. Reality test: narcissists and psychopaths exhibit crazy-making behaviors. Narcissists project a lot—they come fully loaded with accusations and criticisms. What's crazy-making is that most of what the narcissist claims YOU are doing is exactly what THEY are doing. A seasoned therapist can support your personal growth and help you develop high-level skills for dealing with the narcissist in your life.
It seems like everyone is a narcissist nowadays. Is that possible?
No, not everyone is a narcissist, though narcissistic traits can be present in varying degrees in many people. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and it’s common for people to have some traits that might seem narcissistic from time to time—like seeking validation, wanting attention, or feeling confident. However, true narcissism, especially as a personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD), is much more complex and characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a lack of empathy, and an excessive need for admiration, among other traits. For someone to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they typically need to exhibit these behaviors consistently across different situations, and these behaviors often interfere with relationships and daily functioning. It’s important to distinguish between occasional narcissistic behavior (which most people experience at times) and pathological narcissism, which is more extreme and persistent. Many people who may seem narcissistic might not necessarily have a personality disorder—they could simply be dealing with insecurities, lack of self-awareness, or other challenges. If you’re concerned about someone’s behavior, or even your own, it can be helpful to reflect on how those traits are affecting relationships and your overall well-being. Therapy or counseling can also be beneficial for individuals or couples dealing with these challenges.
How to free myself from narcissists
This is not easy, and sometimes they are unavoidable, or at least one will need to be strategic in exiting with a narcissist. In order to avoid having your life hijacked by a narcissist or to exit a relationship with one, you may need the education, support, and guidance of a mental health expert. If your family of origin contained narcissists, you are particularly vulnerable and primed to repeat this pattern, again and again. At the very least, you have a high tolerance for abusive behaviors. After all, it's familiar to you and what you know best. You may need help recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse in yourself or someone else and even more help protecting yourself, setting boundaries, and loving yourself enough to cut them out of your life for good. They don't change, so give that up. As you do this hard work, you can seek refuge in supportive, kind, and nurturing relationships with yourself and others. There are some good books written about narcissism. When it comes to books and articles, authors often reveal an almost "cartoonish" version of the narcissist: a crude profile that leaves the reader thinking, "well, he/she isn't quite like that" when in reality, your narcissist might have different characteristics, or a more subtle and sophisticated approach to devaluation and bringing you down. Narcissists exist on a continuum, but at the end of the day, all narcissists, no matter the form, share many of the following characteristics (partial list):
Lack of empathy
Lack of insight
Charming and seductive
Compulsive need to prove superiority
Sense of entitlement
Manipulation and controlling tactics
Requires excessive admiration
Interpersonally exploitative
Highly reactive to criticism
Focused on the flaws of others to avoid acknowledging their own
Quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame to boost their own fragile ego
Defensive and often on the offense
Refusal to take responsibility for actions
Tendency to dominate conversations
Shame and anxiety get externalized as rage
"My way or the highway" when it comes to decisions
Easily upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness
The need to be right, obtain justice, or get even overtly or through passive-aggressive behaviors
Arrogant and abusive behaviors
Violates the boundaries of others
Breaks rules or rules don't apply to them
Gratification derived from devaluation and disdain for others
Others exist to provide them with "narcissistic supplies" to maintain equilibrium
Devaluation and rage occur when "narcissistic supplies" are withdrawn
So, you may ask, "how would I know if I'm a victim of narcissistic abuse? There are some signs, and you may exhibit many of the following symptoms:
Walking on eggshells
Feeling responsible for the narcissist’s experience
Emotional pain but not sure of the cause
Chronic anxiety and stress
Depression
Frequent apologizing
Dissociation (feeling numb, feeling detached, disconnected)
PTSD
Avoidance
Irritability
Isolation
Psychosomatic symptoms
Hypervigilance
Memory loss
Need for isolation or solitude
Sleeplessness, insomnia
Physical numbness
Hopelessness, sadness, depression, lack of joy
Self-doubt
Feeling crazy
Confusion
Feeling shame and humiliation (projections from the narcissist)
Gaslighting (the narcissist attempts to cause confusion in the victim)
Stockholm Syndrome (protection of the abuser)
Narcissistic abuse can have a profound emotional and psychological impact on those who experience it. The symptoms can vary from person to person, but there are some common themes. If you're experiencing these symptoms, it's important to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. Recognizing and acknowledging the abuse is a key first step in breaking free from it.
Therapy can help you learn, grow, heal, and even leave the narcissist when You are ready
Therapy can be incredibly helpful when dealing with a narcissist, whether you're in a relationship with them or dealing with their behavior in other aspects of your life. Here's how therapy can support you:
Understanding Narcissistic Behavior
Therapists can help you understand what narcissism is, how it manifests, and why narcissists behave the way they do. Understanding that their actions are driven by deep-seated insecurity, a need for control, or an inflated sense of self can help you stop internalizing their actions and make it easier to detach emotionally.
Building Healthy Boundaries
One of the most important tools in therapy is learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Narcissists often disregard others’ boundaries, and therapy can help you recognize your own limits, learn how to enforce them, and protect your emotional well-being without feeling guilty.
Recovering Your Sense of Self
Dealing with a narcissist can cause you to lose sight of who you are, especially when they constantly invalidate your emotions and needs. Therapy can guide you in reconnecting with your own identity, rebuilding your self-esteem, and regaining confidence in yourself.
Coping with Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation
Narcissists often use gaslighting, making you question your reality or memory. A therapist can help you process these experiences, validate your feelings, and teach you how to trust your instincts again. They can also help you develop strategies for responding to manipulation in healthy ways.
Developing Emotional Resilience
Narcissists can be emotionally draining, and therapy can help you build resilience. Learning how to cope with the emotional turmoil, frustration, and even anger that arises from interacting with a narcissist can help you better navigate difficult situations without becoming overwhelmed.
Healing from Trauma
Narcissistic abuse, particularly over a long period of time, can lead to trauma. Therapy can help you process and heal from the emotional wounds caused by a narcissist's behavior, such as betrayal, neglect, or verbal abuse. Techniques like trauma-informed therapy can help you recover and move forward.
Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave
A therapist can help you evaluate your situation objectively and without judgment. If you're unsure about whether you should stay in a relationship with a narcissist or leave, therapy can provide clarity on your feelings, needs, and what would be healthiest for you.
Learning to Manage Relationships with Narcissists
If cutting ties with a narcissist is not possible (such as in family dynamics or work environments), therapy can teach you how to manage those relationships effectively. A therapist can offer strategies to minimize emotional harm while maintaining necessary interactions, like gray-rocking or limiting communication.
Support for the Healing Process
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel isolating. Therapy provides a safe space for you to express yourself, share your struggles, and receive non-judgmental support. Over time, you can rebuild trust in others and regain a sense of control over your life.
Working Through Guilt and Shame
Narcissists often make their victims feel guilty, inadequate, or like they’re to blame for the abuse. Therapy can help you work through these feelings of guilt or shame, affirm your worth, and help you understand that you’re not responsible for the narcissist’s behavior.
Learning to Let Go of the Hope for Change
One of the hardest parts of dealing with a narcissist is the hope that they will change. Therapy can help you manage your expectations and let go of the belief that the narcissist will suddenly start treating you differently. Accepting the reality of the situation can be empowering and freeing.
In short, therapy provides emotional support, coping tools, and the guidance needed to help you navigate and heal from interactions with a narcissist. It can also help you regain control over your life and protect your mental health moving forward.
Heal From narcissistic abuse With Holistic Psychotherapy, EMDR & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is an experienced New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner, and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana, and virtually. As a psychotherapist and holistic wellness consultant, she has received advanced, extensive training and offers a range of therapeutic modalities, including trauma therapy, Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), Yoga Therapy and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kim Seelbrede has a niche practice specializing in helping dynamic, high-achieving women improve their mental health with mentoring & coaching.
Other New York Therapy Services At Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan:
In addition to online therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship struggles, Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy New York professionals. New Yorkers often lead fast-paced and complex lives, which makes work-life balance and managing career, family and social obligations a challenge. Psychotherapy and wellness practices provide the support to help clients cultivate resources, resilience, and enhanced emotional health, as well as uncover conflicts and obstacles that may interfere with having the life they desire. EMDR therapy successfully treats a range of concerns, including shame, addiction, codependency, procrastination, and more.
Building optimal mental health takes time, and requires an investment of emotional energy. This practice offers many holistic practices to offer you comprehensive mental health care. Take a look at this website and discover how therapy with an experienced NYC therapist can help you develop the skills and resilience you need to heal deeply.
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