Difficult People: Saving Yourself From Crazymakers In Your Life
We all have challenging people in our lives. The individuals who ignore our boundaries, seek constant attention, create drama, set traps, and leave a trail of destruction, ultimately causing us to feel confused, invalidated, and overwhelmed by the resulting chaos. If this sounds familiar, you are likely struggling to manage difficult people in your life. Sometimes, avoiding these individuals is not an option, which presents a real challenge. They are your exes, colleagues, friends, siblings, parents. Perhaps your life demands regular contact with them, leaving you with feelings of dread and terror and sometimes actual physical symptoms.
Difficult people drain your energy and consistently engage in controlling, destructive, manipulative, and reckless behaviors. They leave a path of destruction in their wake.
They often create traps for you, making it appear as though there is no way to win. They demand attention and create drama and more drama. Their behaviors show up as excessive negativity, anger, aggression, addictions, recklessness, splitting (extremes of good/bad), pathological envy and jealousy, grandiosity, trap-setting, gaslighting, and sabotage. They may already have an actual psychiatric diagnosis, such as Histrionic, Borderline, Narcissistic, or Antisocial Personality Disorder, and behaviors symptomatic of trauma, abuse, and substance abuse.
You experience fatigue and you’re overwhelmed from being in their negative vibration, and the practical aspects of cleaning up their messes can feel daunting. They don't care who they hurt with their aggression and their destructive nature, even their children. You may even wonder if you are the crazy one as they engage in projection, shaming, and blaming behaviors. Essentially, they play the victim, turning things around in a nanosecond. What follows are some important things to remember:
If you're co-parenting, seek professional counseling to support you and your children.
Trauma bond can be at play so develop healthy boundaries. Crazy makers will continually pull you back in to their web—they charm and manipulate. Learn to notice when you are being played. The trauma bond is powerful and pulls at you again and again.
Difficult people are often leaders, so you are likely to run into them frequently and you will need skills to protect yourself.
They often play the victim. This can be confusing.
Challenging individuals usually don't change because they rarely recognize that their behaviors are problematic. They usually must be forced into treatment or hit rock bottom before they enter counseling.
They rarely acknowledge shortcomings or take constructive feedback because they are so fragile. Good therapy can help them develop healthier, more realistic self-esteem, identify with their pain and suffering, which can generalize to others, helping them develop more socially appropriate and responsive ways of relating.
Heal yourself, and seek therapy to clear the toxicity. You aren't likely to get the closure you need from them. Stop trying to get them to see your pain. It just won't happen. You may have to do this healing on your own, which is hard. You may also have PTSD so find a trauma therapist who understands your symptoms. If it's trauma from a parent, heal your inner child.
They leave a trail of destruction behind them. They often destroy things like companies and relationships. They tend to blow things up.
You won't win, not ever. They are wired to win at all costs. Cut your losses and use your energy in other healthier and more satisfying ways.
They have generally experienced a history of neglect, shame, abandonment, and other painful, traumatic experiences that have led to their current life circumstances.
Recognize that you've known about this problem behavior but something kept you from acting sooner. You can learn from your instincts and protect yourself in the future.
Activate your vagus nerve. Learn how to restore calm and safety in the body. One of my favorite ways to do this is by practicing deep, diaphragmatic breathing.
Difficult people can exhibit a wide range of behaviors that can make interactions challenging, stressful, or even emotionally draining. While each person is unique, certain behaviors are common among individuals who are considered "difficult" in personal, professional, or social contexts. Below are some common behaviors exhibited by difficult people, including narcissistic or manipulative types, but these traits can apply to many different personality types:
Manipulation is a key feature of how difficult, narcissistic and antisocial personalities operate
Gaslighting - Making you question your reality or memory to make you doubt yourself.
Guilt-Tripping - Making you feel guilty or responsible for their emotions or actions.
Playing Victim - They often position themselves as the victim in situations, deflecting responsibility for their own actions.
Emotional Blackmail - Using threats or emotional tactics to control your behavior (e.g., "If you don't do this, I’ll be upset").
Blame Shift the blame
Never Taking Responsibility - They refuse to accept responsibility for their mistakes or negative outcomes, always shifting blame onto others.
Accusations and Finger-Pointing - They constantly accuse others of wrongdoing, even when it’s clear they are the ones at fault.
they exhibit Controlling Behaviors
Dominating Conversations - They interrupt, talk over others, or monopolize discussions to assert control or make themselves the center of attention.
Overbearing Advice or Criticism - They offer unsolicited advice or constantly criticize others, undermining their confidence.
Micromanaging - They try to control every small aspect of a situation or other people's actions, disregarding autonomy and independence.
They have a sense of entitlement
Expecting Special Treatment - They believe they deserve more attention, privileges, or rewards than others and they demand to be treated in a special manner.
Disregarding Others' Needs - They are often self-centered, showing little regard for the needs, feelings, or boundaries of others.
Refusal to Compromise - They may be unwilling to meet halfway or cooperate in a balanced way, always insisting on getting their way.
They exhibit Passive-Aggressive Behaviors
Indirect Expression of Hostility - Instead of being openly confrontational, they express anger or frustration in indirect ways, such as through sarcasm, backhanded compliments, procrastination, or sabotage.
Silent Treatment - Withholding communication, affection, or cooperation as a way to punish or control.
Sabotage - Undermining others' efforts subtly, often in a way that leaves the victim uncertain or confused about the intent.
Defensive behaviors are common
Constantly Deflecting - They quickly become defensive when confronted, even over minor issues. They might say things like "I didn’t mean it like that," or "You're overreacting."
Stonewalling - Instead of engaging in a healthy conversation or resolution, they shut down emotionally, refuse to respond, or avoid the issue entirely.
they exhibit Aggression or Hostility
Outbursts of Anger - They may have sudden emotional outbursts, yelling, or using harsh language when they don't get their way or feel slighted.
Hostile Body Language - Non-verbal cues such as eye-rolling, crossing arms, or glaring that signal hostility.
Verbal Attacks - Engaging in name-calling, belittling, or personal attacks, rather than focusing on the issue at hand.
they exhibit rigid and Inflexible behaviors
Black-and-White Thinking - They tend to see things in extremes, either as completely right or wrong, with little room for compromise or nuance.
Refusal to Adapt - They may resist change or new ideas, preferring to stick to old ways of thinking or doing things, even when those methods are ineffective.
Unwilling to Listen - They dismiss the opinions or input of others, believing their way is the only correct way.
Narcissism can be present
Excessive Need for Validation - They crave constant admiration, praise, or attention, and can become upset or jealous when they feel they are not the center of attention.
Lack of Empathy - They are often unable or unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings or struggles, focusing only on their own needs.
Grandiosity - They may have an inflated sense of self-importance and often exaggerate their achievements or talents.
Victim Mentality is typically present
Perpetual Victimhood - They constantly perceive themselves as being wronged or victimized by others, even when evidence suggests otherwise.
Playing on Sympathy - They may consistently expect others to provide emotional support or validation, without ever offering it in return.
Dishonesty is a common behavior
Lying - Frequently lying, even when it’s unnecessary, to avoid responsibility, maintain control, or manipulate others.
Exaggerating the Truth - They may embellish or exaggerate their experiences, achievements, or opinions to make themselves appear more important or competent than they are.
Lack of Accountability is common
Blaming Others - They never take ownership of their actions or mistakes, instead shifting blame or avoiding responsibility.
Refusal to Apologize - Even when they clearly wrong someone, they may refuse to apologize or acknowledge their fault, which can create ongoing resentment and frustration in relationships.
Victimizing Others is a common feature
Tearing Down Others - In many cases, difficult people try to tear down or undermine others to feel better about themselves or to elevate their own status.
Competing - They often see others as competitors rather than colleagues or allies, and they might try to outdo or sabotage others to feel superior.
they Lack Boundaries in their relationships with others
Disrespecting Personal Space - They may invade your personal space, both physically and emotionally, ignoring your boundaries and acting as if their needs take precedence.
Disregarding Your Time - They may be late, cancel plans last minute, or expect you to accommodate their schedule without regard for yours.
Inconsistent and unreliable Behavior
Hot and Cold - Their behavior may be erratic, alternating between being charming and manipulative, leaving you confused about what to expect.
Changing the Rules - They may set one expectation and then change it, keeping you off balance and unsure of how to meet their ever-shifting demands.
They love drama, Excessive Drama
Creating Conflict - They may intentionally stir up conflict or drama to maintain control or attention, often over trivial matters. They derive a sense of aliveness from drama that healthier individuals do not seek.
Exaggerating Problems - They often make mountains out of molehills, turning small issues into major crises to create a sense of urgency or chaos.
When you must interact with the difficult people in your life, what follows are a few tips for greater success and mastery:
Understand narcissistic personality disorders, NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) involves patterns of grandiosity, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration. People with NPD often struggle with self-esteem issues, which they compensate for by manipulating others or controlling the environment around them. Recognizing these traits can help you understand their behavior and reduce the emotional impact. It can also help you realize that their actions are not about you—they are driven by their need for validation and control.
Maintain Boundaries - It’s vital to establish clear, firm boundaries and not allow difficult people to push or manipulate you into violating them. Be clear and direct about what you will and won’t tolerate. For example, if they try to guilt-trip or gaslight you, calmly and assertively state your stance, and walk away if necessary. Stick to your boundaries even if they try to challenge or ignore them. Consistency is key.
Keep Calm - Stay composed when dealing with challenging behaviors. Avoid matching their emotional intensity or drama.
Don’t Take It Personally And Practice Emotional Detachment - Narcissists often say or do things that are hurtful, dismissive, or manipulative. Recognize that their behavior often reflects their own issues and insecurities, not your value and worth. Practice emotional detachment and try not to internalize their hurtful comments or behavior. Recognize that they are not speaking or acting from a place of rationality or care, but from their own distorted worldview.
Be Assertive - Speak up for yourself in a calm, direct manner, especially when you’re being disrespected or manipulated.
Recognize and Avoid Gaslighting - Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist distorts the truth or denies reality to make you question your perception, memory, or sanity. If you feel like you're being gaslighted, it's important to trust your own experiences. Keep a record of events, conversations, and behaviors for clarity, and consider seeking a therapist to help you process and validate your feelings.
Use the "Gray Rock" Method - The Gray Rock Method involves becoming emotionally unreactive and boring to a narcissist. The goal is to make yourself as uninteresting as possible so they lose interest in manipulating or provoking you. For example, if they try to start an argument or make you feel guilty, respond in a neutral, non-emotional way. Avoid engaging in drama or emotional discussions that lead nowhere.
Know When to Walk Away - If the narcissist in your life is a friend, colleague, or family member, and the relationship is toxic, it may be necessary to limit contact or reduce your exposure. Go low contact or no contact if the relationship is too harmful or if you’ve already tried to set boundaries and there’s been no improvement. In some cases, cutting ties with a narcissistic person may be the healthiest option for your well-being. Recognizing these difficult behaviors in your relationships is the first step in managing them effectively. It's important to understand that while you can't control other people's actions, you can control how you respond and set boundaries that protect your mental and emotional well-being.
Don’t Engage in Power Struggles - Narcissistic individuals often try to assert dominance or control in conversations and relationships. They might belittle you, twist your words, or try to make you feel inferior. Avoid arguing or trying to "win"—they are unlikely to accept defeat, and any effort to reason with them might only escalate the conflict. Stay calm, avoid being drawn into their game, and focus on protecting your own emotional state.
Focus on Your Own Growth - One of the most empowering things you can do when dealing with a narcissistic individual is to focus on your own growth. Cultivate healthy relationships, engage in personal development, and build your confidence and sense of self-worth. By strengthening your own emotional resilience, you’ll be better equipped to handle challenging individuals without losing yourself in the process.
Seek Professional Help - Dealing with narcissistic people can be mentally and emotionally draining, and it's helpful to seek professional guidance, especially if you’re feeling trapped or overwhelmed.
Therapy or counseling can help you process the stress, develop coping strategies, and understand how to navigate difficult dynamics more effectively.
Practice Self-Care and Emotional Support - Dealing with narcissistic people can be emotionally exhausting. It’s important to prioritize self-care by engaging in activities that recharge you, such as meditation, exercise, hobbies, and spending time with supportive people. Seek emotional support from friends, family, or a therapist who understands narcissism and can offer guidance and validation.
Navigating relationships with difficult people—especially those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or antisocial personality disorder—can be extremely challenging.
Narcissistic individuals can be emotionally draining and manipulative, making it difficult to maintain healthy boundaries and communication. However, with the right strategies, you can manage these relationships more effectively while protecting your emotional well-being. Navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals requires a combination of understanding their behavior, setting firm boundaries, emotionally detaching, and prioritizing your own well-being. It’s essential to protect your emotional health and recognize that you cannot control their behavior, only how you respond to it. Over time, the more you practice these techniques, the more empowered and less affected you'll feel in your interactions with them.
Exiting relationships with difficult people and severing ties altogether…
Some relationships are easier to exit than others. I've known young adults who have necessarily had to sever relationships with a toxic parent and the reverse situation occurs as well—parents have to create distance from children and this can be excruciating.. You must save yourself as you've sacrificed enough of your precious life energy to remain in these troubling relationships. To save yourself and others from harm, learn more about these problem personalities so that you can understand the nature of the problem and better recognize their symptoms and pathological behaviors. This will help you feel less confused about reality as they can be masters of distortion, as you gain the clarity you need to create a smart plan to exit.
Healing from a relationship with a narcissist can be a complex and often long-term process, as it often involves emotional, psychological, and sometimes even physical trauma. The manipulative behaviors and emotional abuse characteristic of narcissistic individuals can leave deep scars, affecting one's self-esteem, identity, and sense of safety in relationships. However, several therapeutic approaches can help someone recover, rebuild, and regain their emotional and mental health.
So now that you’ve identified that you need to heal parts of yourself and your life because you’ve been harmed by a narcissist, what follows are some effective therapies to support you on your healing journey:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT is a structured, goal-oriented therapy that helps individuals identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors. It can be especially effective for people recovering from narcissistic abuse because it targets distorted beliefs and helps to reframe negative self-talk, such as feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and shame that may have been instilled by the narcissist. CBT helps individuals develop healthier ways of thinking about themselves and the world around them, enabling them to rebuild their self-esteem and regain control of their emotions and reactions. It can also teach coping strategies for handling difficult situations and relationships.
Trauma-Focused Therapy
Trauma-focused therapies are specifically designed to address the psychological effects of trauma. One popular form is Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), which combines traditional CBT with trauma-sensitive techniques. If someone has been in a prolonged or abusive relationship with a narcissist, they may have experienced significant trauma. Trauma-focused therapy helps individuals process and heal from that trauma, reducing symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and helping them reclaim their sense of safety.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
DBT was originally developed to treat borderline personality disorder, but it has since been adapted for use in a variety of settings. It combines aspects of cognitive-behavioral therapy with mindfulness techniques and skills training in areas such as emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. DBT can help individuals who have been in abusive relationships, like those with narcissists, by teaching them healthier ways of dealing with intense emotions, setting boundaries, and handling interpersonal conflict. It can also help people avoid falling into unhealthy patterns in future relationships.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
EMDR is a form of psychotherapy that is particularly effective for trauma and PTSD. It involves processing distressing memories through bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements) while focusing on the emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations associated with those memories. EMDR can help individuals process the painful memories and trauma associated with narcissistic abuse. It can reduce the intensity of distressing memories and emotional pain, helping to reframe them in a way that no longer causes ongoing distress. EMDR therapy can be successfully paired with somatic awareness, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and other supportive practices.
Somatic Awareness & Somatic Experiencing Therapy
Somatic therapy focuses on the connection between the body and mind, emphasizing the physical sensations that arise from emotional experiences. It encourages individuals to become more aware of how their bodies hold onto trauma and use physical techniques, like breathwork or movement, to release that tension. People who have experienced narcissistic abuse may carry trauma in their bodies, such as muscle tension, chronic pain, or anxiety. Somatic therapy can help individuals process and release stored trauma, promoting emotional healing and reducing physical manifestations of distress.
Group Therapy or Support Groups
Group therapy or support groups bring together individuals who have had similar experiences, such as those who have been in relationships with narcissists or have experienced emotional abuse. These groups provide a safe space for sharing experiences, learning coping strategies, and receiving support. Being around others who have experienced similar forms of abuse can reduce feelings of isolation and shame. It offers validation, community, and the opportunity to learn from others’ healing processes. Support groups specifically for narcissistic abuse survivors can also provide a sense of empowerment and help break down the stigma of what can feel like an embarrassing or misunderstood experience.
Psychodynamic Therapy
Psychodynamic therapy is based on the idea that unconscious thoughts and past experiences influence current behaviors and relationships. It focuses on exploring these deep-seated issues in order to gain insight and heal. For individuals recovering from narcissistic abuse, psychodynamic therapy can help uncover the root causes of why they might have been drawn into such relationships or why they might have stayed in them for so long. Understanding these patterns can aid in breaking them in future relationships.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching
Although not technically a formal therapy, narcissistic abuse recovery coaching can be a helpful supplementary approach. Coaches who specialize in narcissistic abuse recovery offer one-on-one support, tools, and guidance to help individuals rebuild their lives. A recovery coach provides personalized support and coaching, helping individuals with practical strategies for setting boundaries, regaining their sense of self-worth, and navigating the emotional aftermath of narcissistic abuse. Many NPD recovery coaches have had their own experience with recovering from life with toxic people.
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction
MBSR is a structured program that teaches mindfulness meditation and stress-reduction techniques to help individuals become more aware of their thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations in the present moment. Practicing mindfulness can help people who have been involved with narcissists regain a sense of calm, self-awareness, and emotional balance. It encourages a non-judgmental awareness of one’s thoughts and feelings, which can be useful in breaking the cycles of rumination, anxiety, and self-blame that often result from narcissistic abuse.
Psychiatric Support and Medication
For some individuals, therapy alone may not be enough to address the mental health challenges resulting from narcissistic abuse. In these cases, medication prescribed by a psychiatrist can help manage symptoms of depression, anxiety, PTSD, or other mental health conditions. Medication can be an important tool in managing the emotional symptoms that arise from narcissistic abuse, allowing individuals to engage more fully in therapy and their recovery process. Medication can be short-term or long-term, depending on one’s history and any ongoing challenges.
Narrative Therapy
Narrative therapy focuses on the idea that individuals create meaning through the stories they tell about their lives. It allows clients to reframe their personal narratives, often changing how they view themselves and their experiences. Narrative therapy can help individuals who have been involved with narcissists rewrite their story in a way that empowers them. Instead of seeing themselves as victims or failures, they can learn to see themselves as resilient, capable individuals who are reclaiming their lives.
Cheat Sheet for NPD:
Grandiose self-importance
Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success
Believes themselves to be special and above others
Demands excessive admiration
Is exploitative
Has a sense of entitlement
Lacks empathy
Cheat Sheet for BPD:
Mood swings and emotionally labile
All-or-nothing thinking
Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned
A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. Unless these behaviors occur primarily during a period of elevated mood or energy, they may be signs of a mood disorder and not borderline personality disorder
Self-harming behavior, such as cutting, scratching, burning
Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats
Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom
Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by an irrational fear of other people’s intentions
Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, seeing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality
Heal from traumatic experiences with narcissistic and difficult individuals With EMDR therapy & Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is an experienced New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner, and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana, and virtually. As a psychotherapist and holistic wellness consultant, she has received advanced, extensive training and offers a range of therapeutic modalities, including trauma therapy, Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), Yoga Therapy and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kim Seelbrede has a niche practice specializing in helping dynamic, high-achieving women improve their mental health with mentoring & coaching.
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