Letting Go, Moving On: Emotional Support For Divorcing Women
If you're reading this, you're probably in the thick of it—and whether it’s a low-conflict divorce, or a complex high-conflict divorce, it can still shatter your world and break your heart! Maybe the papers have been filed. Maybe you’re sleeping on the “wrong” side of the bed. Maybe your world looks nothing like it did a year ago. Divorce isn't just a legal shift—it’s a full-body experience. It's grief, fear, freedom, confusion, clarity, exhaustion, and sometimes all of that before lunch. And if you're a woman walking through it, the weight can feel like yours to carry alone. I’m a licensed psychotherapist from New York City, I work with many successful and high-achieving women navigating divorce. I help women feel strong and empowered as the move through the separation and divorce process.
Let’s be real: the world still often expects women to be the emotional glue. To hold it all together for the kids, for your friends, for your job. To not unravel. But here’s the truth I want you to hear: you’re allowed to fall apart, and you’re strong as hell for showing up anyway. Divorce is a kind of emotional surgery. It cuts deep. But it also clears space. It asks hard questions like, Who am I now? What do I want? What parts of myself have I been ignoring just to survive? These questions are painful—but also powerful. You don’t have to answer them all at once. And you don’t have to do it alone.
In my New York therapy practice with women navigating divorce, I see the raw moments: crying in the car, re-learning how to eat alone, wondering how to explain things to the kids, waking up at 2am with that tight-chest panic. But I also see the strength that quietly grows beneath the rubble. The woman who starts to hear her own voice again. The one who starts making decisions from a place of self-worth, not fear. The one who no longer apologizes for taking up space.
Therapy isn’t about fixing you—because you’re not broken. It’s a space to breathe. To be seen without judgment. To figure out what healing looks like on your terms. Whether you’re angry, numb, grieving, relieved, or cycling through all of it in a day—I’ve got space for that. You don’t need to show up perfect. You just need to show up. So if you're walking through divorce and feel like you’re carrying too much, I want you to know this: You’re allowed to ask for help. You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to build something better than what you lost. You are not alone. And you’re stronger than you think. If you're looking for support through divorce or want to explore how therapy might help during this transition, I offer a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where you can start to rebuild. Reach out when you're ready.
it’s over, but I keep falling back into old patterns…
For the woman who knows it's over but finds herself caught in the undertow of “what if” and “maybe”—you are not broken, you are just bonded, deeply, sometimes traumatically, to a version of love that asked you to abandon yourself. The back-and-forth isn’t foolishness; it’s a nervous system seeking safety in the familiar, even when the familiar is pain. And when you hear they’ve moved on, it cuts—not because you want them back, but because a part of you still longs to be chosen, still aches to matter. This isn't weakness. It's the residue of attachment, of soul threads tangled in codependence. But let this be your sacred interruption. A cue to reclaim your dignity, to meet yourself with fierce tenderness, and to walk—not run—into a future where love doesn’t require you to disappear.
Extra care for women in high-conflict divorce
High-conflict divorce isn’t just about two people who "can’t get along." It’s typically driven by deeper, more complex dynamics—often involving personality disorders, power imbalances, unresolved trauma, or deeply entrenched patterns of emotional dysfunction. High-conflict divorce is painful under any circumstances, but when your partner has traits of narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder, it can feel less like a legal process and more like psychological warfare. These individuals often thrive on control, power, and image—and divorce threatens all three. That’s why instead of a clean break, what you may face is a relentless pattern of manipulation, gaslighting, lies, retaliation, and of course, “hoovering” where they pull you back in. With narcissistic personalities, expect attempts to rewrite the narrative, discredit you to others (including your own children), and provoke emotional reactions to keep you off balance. With antisocial traits, there may be deceit, stonewalling, financial sabotage, or even outright cruelty with no remorse. What makes this kind of divorce especially complex is that it’s rarely just about separating assets or co-parenting logistics—it’s about surviving the ongoing emotional harm. Many clients describe feeling like they’re stuck in a chess match they didn’t agree to play, constantly second-guessing themselves, wondering if they’re the problem, and managing symptoms of trauma while still trying to show up for work, parenting, or court.
At this time, good social support, a great therapist who understands the tactics, and smart friends who can be strong when you lose your grip. In therapy, we work to name what’s happening clearly—because clarity is power. We focus on helping you rebuild your sense of reality, set boundaries that protect your nervous system, and process the grief that comes with not just the loss of a relationship, but the realization that it was never emotionally safe to begin with. Healing from this kind of dynamic takes more than legal closure—it requires deep, intentional support to untangle yourself from the psychological grip and begin to truly reclaim your life.
Cheat sheet for the bad days…
Bad Day Cheat Sheet: Reminders That You’re Better Off Without That Relationship
1. You’re no longer emotionally stuck. You don’t have to ignore your own needs, silence your voice, or settle for something that wasn’t working anymore.
2. You’re no longer shrinking to make the relationship fit. You tried. You compromised. You stretched yourself thin. Now, you’re allowed to expand without being asked to disappear.
3. You don’t have to explain or justify your feelings. Whether it ended peacefully or with conflict, you have the right to feel what you feel—without guilt or apology.
4. You’re free to define your life on your own terms. No more waiting for someone else to grow, listen, or meet you halfway. Your growth is now fully in your hands.
5. You don’t have to carry the emotional labor for two. Even in quieter relationships, it’s exhausting to be the only one managing the connection. You deserve mutual effort, not invisible work.
6. You’re allowed to rest. Without tension, unspoken resentment, or the weight of pretending. Peace isn’t boring—it’s healing.
7. You’re no longer choosing comfort over truth. Even if the relationship wasn’t toxic, it may have been keeping you small, stuck, or disconnected from yourself. You chose truth—and that takes courage.
8. You’re grieving something real—but not forgetting why you left. Missing someone or the idea of what could’ve been doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It just means you cared. You still can—and move on.
9. You’re building something new. Little by little, you’re creating a life that reflects you. Your values, your pace, your joy.
10. You’re not alone—and you’re doing better than you think. There’s strength in leaving. There’s strength in healing. There’s strength in waking up each day and choosing yourself again.
Women going through divorce often experience a range of clinical symptoms—some emotional, some physical, and many of them overlapping. These symptoms aren't just “feeling sad” or “stressed”—they can reflect deep nervous system activation, grief, and identity shifts.
What follows are some of the most common symptoms we see in my nyc therapy practice
Emotional and Cognitive Symptoms:
Anxiety - Constant worry, restlessness, racing thoughts, fear of the future, especially around finances, parenting, or identity.
Depression - Low mood, hopelessness, lack of interest in activities, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness or failure.
Irritability or Anger - Short fuse, resentment, emotional outbursts, or bottled-up rage—especially if there's a history of betrayal or emotional invalidation.
Grief - Intense sadness, longing, numbness, or confusion—even if the divorce was "your choice" or a relief.
Guilt and Shame - Self-blame, rumination about past choices, feeling like you're letting others (especially children) down.
Cognitive Fog - Difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, indecision—often called “divorce brain” due to the cognitive overload of stress and trauma.
Physical and Somatic Symptoms:
Sleep disturbances - Trouble falling or staying asleep, vivid or disturbing dreams, or early waking with racing thoughts.
Appetite changes - Overeating for comfort or under-eating due to stress or numbness.
Chronic tension - Muscle tightness in shoulders, jaw, chest—sometimes resulting in headaches or back pain.
Stomach issues - Nausea, cramps, IBS-like symptoms—often tied to vagus nerve dysregulation and the gut-brain connection.
Fatigue or burnout - Emotional exhaustion that doesn’t go away with rest.
Panic symptoms - Heart racing, chest tightness, shortness of breath, especially during confrontations or legal meetings.
Relational and Behavioral Symptoms:
Social withdrawal - Pulling away from friends or family due to shame, overwhelm, or fear of being judged.
Hyper-independence - Taking on everything alone, often from past trauma or a belief that asking for help = weakness.
People-pleasing or conflict avoidance - Especially if you’ve been in a relationship with uneven power dynamics.
Risky behaviors or impulsivity - Sometimes a coping mechanism—sudden decisions, rebound relationships, overspending, etc.
Caretaking override - Focusing so much on your children or others that you bypass your own emotional needs.
Clinical Note: Similarities to PTSD
Many of these symptoms mirror trauma responses—and for good reason. Divorce, especially after long-term relationships, high-conflict dynamics, or emotional abuse, can be a traumatic life event. That’s why trauma-informed therapy during and after divorce can be so helpful—it supports both the emotional and physiological healing process. Many women going through divorce, especially after difficult or long-term relationships, show symptoms that mirror or meet the criteria for PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) or cPTSD (complex PTSD). While not every divorce leads to trauma, many do—especially when there's a history of:
Emotional, verbal, or physical abuse
Emotional or physical neglect
Betrayal (e.g., infidelity or financial manipulation)
Coercive control or gaslighting
High-conflict dynamics
Sudden abandonment or legal blindsiding
Long-term emotional suppression or identity loss
How Divorce Can Be Traumatic for women:
Divorce can shatter your sense of safety, trust, identity, and stability. If your nervous system has spent years in survival mode—walking on eggshells, people-pleasing, suppressing needs—then the moment everything falls apart can feel like both a collapse and a flood. That intense fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response? It’s your body’s way of trying to protect you.
Many women in this position report:
Flashbacks (emotional or sensory memories of fights, threats, or controlling behavior)
Hypervigilance (feeling constantly on edge or bracing for the next blow)
Avoidance (of legal documents, conversations, certain people or places)
Emotional numbing or disconnection from themselves and others
Shame spirals and self-doubt that feel hard to escape
Identity confusion—no longer knowing who they are outside of the relationship
cPTSD and the Slow-Burn Trauma of Long-Term Relationships
Unlike classic PTSD, which often stems from a single traumatic event, complex PTSD comes from repeated, relational trauma over time—the kind that slowly erodes your sense of self. A woman might not even realize she was in an emotionally abusive or coercively controlling relationship until after the divorce begins. Therapy can help unpack those dynamics safely, gently, and with a focus on rebuilding inner safety.
Here’s a list of helpful, evidence-based therapies that can be especially supportive for women navigating divorce in NYC—whether it’s low-conflict, high-conflict, or somewhere in between. These approaches address both emotional healing and nervous system regulation, which are essential during such a major life transition.
Individual Therapy (Talk Therapy)
Best for: Emotional processing, decision-making, grief, rebuilding identity.
A trusted space to vent, reflect, and make sense of everything. Look for therapists who specialize in divorce, relationship transitions, or trauma.
Popular modalities: Psychodynamic, Person-Centered, Integrative.
Trauma-Informed Therapy / EMDR
Best for: Women recovering from emotional abuse, betrayal, or high-conflict divorce.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps process trauma stored in the body and reduce the emotional charge of painful memories.
Also helpful: Somatic Experiencing, IFS (Internal Family Systems).
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Best for: Managing anxiety, depression, guilt, or intrusive thoughts.
CBT helps reframe negative thinking patterns and build coping skills. Great for women who feel stuck in mental loops or self-blame during/after divorce.
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)
Best for: Grounding the nervous system, managing overwhelm, improving sleep.
MBSR teaches mindfulness and breathing techniques to regulate your body’s stress response. A perfect complement to therapy, especially in a fast-paced city like NYC.
Group Therapy for Divorcing Women
Best for: Reducing isolation, finding validation, sharing stories.
Group therapy (in person or online) creates connection and solidarity. You realize you’re not alone—and that can be a huge part of healing.
Check out: Divorce support groups at therapy centers, community spaces, or online platforms like Meetup or Therapy Groups NYC.
Co-Parenting Counseling
Best for: Navigating shared custody, boundaries, and communication with your ex.
Co-parenting therapy can reduce conflict, protect your children’s well-being, and help you stay grounded when dealing with a difficult ex.
Financial Therapy
Best for: Women facing money anxiety, financial codependency, or rebuilding after economic control.
This specialty combines emotional healing with financial literacy. Especially helpful if your divorce included financial abuse or major financial transitions.
Therapy Isn’t About “Getting Over It”—It’s About Reclaiming Yourself
If any of this sounds familiar, I want you to hear this clearly:
You're not crazy. You're not dramatic. You're not failing. You're having a very real response to a deeply painful experience.
In therapy, we don’t just “talk about the divorce.” We work with the body, the nervous system, and the self that might have been buried under years of survival mode. We create a space where you can stop bracing, stop apologizing, and start rebuilding—not just your life, but your connection to yourself.
The Good News For divorcing women
With the right support—trauma-informed therapy, nervous system regulation tools, and a space to safely process what happened—healing is not only possible, it’s transformational. Many women emerge from divorce not just surviving, but more grounded, clear, and self-connected than they’ve ever been.
You Deserve to Heal on Your Terms
Whether your divorce happened last month or five years ago, if the pain still lives in your body, it’s never too late to begin healing. Therapy can help you move from survival into strength. From self-doubt into self-trust. For many women going through divorce, letting go feels like both a heartbreak and a betrayal of everything they tried so hard to hold together. Grieving the end of a marriage isn’t just about losing a partner—it’s mourning the shared future that won’t happen, the version of yourself that adapted to survive, and the comfort of the familiar, even when it wasn’t safe or fulfilling. It’s okay to grieve that deeply. But over time, grief creates space for something else: freedom. Letting go isn’t giving up—it’s choosing yourself, reclaiming your peace, and stepping into a new life that’s built on your terms. A life where you’re no longer shrinking, explaining, or holding it all together for someone else—but expanding into your own power, one brave day at a time. You deserve more than just getting through this. You deserve to feel like yourself again. If you're a woman navigating divorce and want a trauma-informed space to feel supported, understood, and empowered, you're not alone. Reach out when you're ready.
Emotional & Mental Health Support
Therapy (Individual or Group)
Look for trauma-informed, divorce-focused, or women-centered therapists.
Psychology Today or TherapyDen lets you filter for divorce, trauma, high-conflict relationships, etc.
Online Support Groups & Forums
DivorceCare – Christ-centered support groups with both online and in-person options.
Women’s Divorce Support Group (Facebook) – Active, diverse community for daily peer support.
Reddit: r/Divorce and r/ExNoContact – Anonymous spaces to vent, reflect, and connect.
Books
Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark – For women blindsided by abandonment.
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum – Insightful for the decision-making phase.
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson – Powerful for emotional recovery.
Dodging Energy Vampires by Dr. Christiane Northrup – Especially useful if your ex has narcissistic traits.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – Trauma-focused, helps understand somatic impacts of long-term emotional stress.
Legal and Financial Resources
Legal Support
WomensLaw.org – Clear legal information by state, especially for domestic violence and custody.
Hello Divorce – User-friendly, lower-cost legal help and online tools for divorce.
The American Bar Association – Free Legal Answers – Offers legal guidance in qualifying states.
Financial Guidance
Savvy Ladies – Free financial counseling for women in transition (divorce, loss, career change).
Wife.org – The Women’s Institute for Financial Education. Offers worksheets, budgeting tools, and divorce-specific money tips.
Certified Divorce Financial Analysts (CDFA) – Professionals who specialize in helping women make informed financial decisions during divorce.
Podcasts & communities
Podcasts
The Divorce Survival Guide with Kate Anthony – Real talk about leaving, healing, and co-parenting.
The Divorce & Beyond Podcast – Legal and emotional guidance, interviews with experts.
The Co-Parenting Collective – Great for moms navigating shared custody and emotional recovery.
Online Courses & Coaching
The Divorce Coach (Sara Davison) – Offers courses, toolkits, and one-on-one coaching.
Mighty + Bright – For moms supporting kids through divorce—includes parenting tools and visual calendars.
Healing & Rebuilding
Apps & Tools
Mend – Guided support through heartbreak, self-care plans, and journaling prompts.
Insight Timer – Free meditations and courses for grief, anxiety, sleep, and emotional regulation.
I Am – Positive affirmation app to boost self-worth and mental clarity during tough days.
Safety Planning (if needed)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline – 800-799-SAFE or thehotline.org
StrongHearts Native Helpline – Culturally appropriate support for Native women: 844-762-8483
About Holistic Psychotherapy, EMDR & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is a New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana and virtually. As a wellness psychotherapist and holistic consultant, she has received advanced, extensive training in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kim Seelbrede specializes in anxiety, depression, trauma and women’s mental health. She brings over 20 years of counseling, coaching, and healing experience to her holistic practice and transformational work.
In addition to online therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship struggles, Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. New Yorkers often lead fast-paced and complex lives, which makes work-life balance and managing career, family and social obligations a challenge. Psychotherapy and wellness practices provide the support to help clients cultivate resources, resilience and enhanced emotional health, as well as uncover conflicts and obstacles that may interfere with having the life they desire.
Curated Lifestyle Interventions & Protocols
Women’s Mental Health Therapy & Coaching for Perimenopause & Menopause